Robby Ramos.

Now, here I am, sitting, wondering how the fuck I’ll find another person that’s better than you, or even like you for that matter. I was the luckiest guy on the face of this fucking wretched earth, being blessed with a darling little angel named Robby who showed me what true sincere comfort and love was. He was my rock. He was the face I swore someday I’d get to have the pleasure of touching, kissing, licking, whatever. His body, like a young Adonis, and he assured me that everything I saw… was mine. When we Skype together, my world just fades away and I think about NOTHING, nothing but our future together. All the time I’ve spent with you, I felt happy. Now here I am, sobbing, cursing, because I let my evil past and insecurities take over my very backbone. I couldn’t help but talk down on myself until all was left was my spine outside of my body. I lied. I cheated directly. I made promises I could not keep. I was pressured. My mind was caught in a hurricane of “give up, give up, give up.” Not only am I physically insecure, but I am mentally broken and indecisive. My heart couldn’t take the pressures and the stress I’m feeling with you when we’re off the camera together. It was a fairy tale I did not believe I deserved. He would argue back and say, “I know what I deserve!” I would argue back and say, “I know I don’t deserve you!” Now, here I am. Typing away in a desolate corner of my room. I let an angel go, and I didn’t even let him argue back with me. How foolish of a fucker I am, aren’t I? I’m not prepared for these type of things. I’m not as strong as you think I am.

Ninty-one hours, fifty-two minutes, and twenty-two seconds. 91:52:22. I spent an hour calculating all of the duration of our calls, trying to think what we’ve talked about in each call. There it is. Our shortest call, was six seconds. Our longest was 2:35:45. It’s hard to scoop up the time to get to talk together since we have a three hour time difference, but we made it work. Especially on our second week together when my brother would be stingy about the internet, I’d have to walk to Starbucks everyday for that whole week, just to see his face. The other customers were looking at me like I was some retard with a laptop. Little did they know I was a retard with a laptop in love.

His eyes. It makes him easily mistaken for a teddy bear. His teeth. So straight and pearly, it makes football players question their sexuality. His cheeks. Perfect. His complexion. It’s like he’s photoshopped, even though I see him through a crappy iPod camera. His eyesmile, my biggest addiction. Whenever I’d make him laugh, he’d do this thing, where he’s tilt his head and curl up with his arms and and laugh brilliantly with this awesome eyesmile. I longed for the day I could tickle him and see more of that instantly. He’s beautiful. And when he denies himself, I just want to slap him so hard. He’s too great for me.

We ended it with a last kiss through the camera farewell.

All the moments we’ve shared, the gestures we’ve threw around, the sacrifices we’ve made, the kisses, the cam sex, everything    and it kills me to say it     is now history. However, all the things we’ve said to each other: still true. He is still beautiful. He is still perfect in my eyes. I hate to think of it as a goodbye, I like to say, until next time. Because if we ever run into each other in real life, I don’t know what he’d do, but I know I’d try to attempt a suicide just to get his attention, anything it takes just to get noticed by him. 

Furthermore, I will not answer anymore of your anon or even un-anon questions and comments about Robby and I. Last time I checked, our relationship was NOT for your entertainment, and everything is solely between us two. And to the next guy or girl to have his heart, I wish you the best. You’re hella fucking lucky. There are people that’d kill to be in your position. Treat him like a king, he loves that. Be honest with him. Make him laugh. Prove to him that you’ll be there for life.

Robert Ramos, I love you, and I still do. Know for sure that I was willing to take your last name someday, even though you’re a few months younger than me. Today, we shared two months together. The two happiest months of my teenage life. Happy two months, baby bear.

Wow, i’m speechless ..

Just know, I never stopped loving you.